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Sunday, July 21st, 2002
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12:55 pm
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i had to sell my ozzfest tickets cuz i have no car & no money. that sucks bad. i think i might be getting another car, but i dont know when. and plus its a stick so it might take a little time to learn how to drive it. so if anyone goes to ozzfest please bring me back a shirt or something cuz i really wanted to go this year. oh well maybe next year ill go. that is if ozzys still touring by then.
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(9 confused and insecure delusions | step into the shadow)
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| Thursday, June 13th, 2002
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9:02 pm - haha everybody
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| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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11:45 am - my life is over... what the fuck am i gonna do now?
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the one thing i thought would never happen to me has now happened. i dont know what i will do, or how i will cope this awful fate. right now im doing nothing but crying, and asking god why. what the fuck did i do to deserve such a horrible thing like this? this is not how i pictured my life unfolding, this wasnt supposed to happen to me, at all. im very scared and confused right now, to be perfectly honest ive never been more scared in my life. im going over every option i have at this time, which isnt much. ive got to think of a way to fix this problem and i have to do it soon. otherwise i will most certainly be screwing up my whole life. there must be something i can do. i wish someone would just hit me, hard, cuz this is just too horrible to be real....
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(3 confused and insecure delusions | step into the shadow)
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| Thursday, March 28th, 2002
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9:16 am - long time.
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i havent updated this thing in awhile, at least not a real update. but im hardly ever home anymore either so i guess that would explain why. matt moved in with me about a month ago, so thats cool. and ive got the same drama going on with stacee and marshall, except now they both want a serious relationship with me. ha, nice. and no, i am NOT fucking them either. so anyways, yeah my landlord wants to evict me cuz someone told her i have 5 people living with me. hmmm....i wonder who would say such a thing, its obviously not true. it was probably jenny that dumb piece of shit. oh well, its all taken care of now. so thats about all thats been going on with me lately, just in case anyone was wondering.
current mood:  aggravated
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(1 confused and insecure delusion | step into the shadow)
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| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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8:53 am - im still alive...barely
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so a lot of stuff has happened to me in the last few months. way more than i really have the patience to type. some of it has been good, but most of it has been real stressful, like a tidal wave of climaxes and disappointments, and now i dont even know what the hell is going on. im mainly updating to see what daves up to... i havent really seen my bro that much in the last few weeks. hopefully hell be home soon. we should talk.
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(step into the shadow)
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| Friday, January 11th, 2002
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9:22 am - fuck you, pathetic piece of shit...
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you know, ive always suspected that he was fucking one, two, hell maybe even three or four other girls besides me. i mean, i listen to the way he talks, his attitude about life, the way he carries himself, all that shit, and he seems like the trifling sort. i didnt want to believe it, hell no one does. i wanted to believe that somewhere in his shallow mind he actually cared for me, even though i knew in the back of my mind that he didnt. and now all of this is just common knowledge. it was made common knowledge yesterday at the bar, i guess it was after i left. now every frikken guy in that place knows everything, they all told me last night at work, when he wasnt there. nice. you know, its really bad when you suspect that the one person youve been loyal to for months hasnt been loyal back, but at least if you only suspect those things you can just refuse to believe it and blame it on common paranoia. its different when you know it for a fact. then you have no choice but to face up to it, after all, you cant really hide from the truth.
i dont understand. why couldnt he have just fucked some gutter whore if all he wanted was sex? no, he had to go and manipulate someone whos decent, who actually has a future (somewhat), and has some fucking morals and values. he had to go and pick me. god i feel so fucking worthless, like a pitiful piece of trash.
so what the hell am i gonna do about this situation? probably nothing. yeah thats right. as much as i want to yell and scream and cry and make him feel just as low as hes made me feel, ill probably do absolutely nothing, and play dumbass and pretend i didnt hear a word of what was said. i wont call him, or talk to him unless he talks to me; and even if he does come talk to me i probably wont say anything about it then either. why? cuz whe it comes to guys im a fucking pacifist, a submissive little bitch that just puts up with whatever they dish out to me. ill just fucking wait it out until he no longer wants to see me, and he tells me himself. yeah im just gonna settle for him for now, cuz i know nothing better is ever gonna come along for me, and this is probably as good as its gonna get from now on. shit maybe i really am just worthless, or maybe im just doomed to an unfulfilling life full of loneliness and disappointment, who knows. and to all you people who want to tell me "oh just wait a little while and the right one will come to you..." hey, fuck you, and your stupid goddamn lectures on life. not everything is as sugar coated as you fucks make it sound. in fact, im sure that most of you who say such shit probably either already have significant others, or have lots of friends and are completely satisfied with your life as it is right now. and im sure that if you were in my spot or were faced with the same situations that im faced with or had the same shit going through your mind that i do, then you might not waste your breath on such cliche speeches.
ok well now that i got all the initial frustration out of my system, now i guess its time to go in my room and cry and wallow in my own self pity; even though i knew this shit was gonna happen at some point so its actually my own dumbass fault for allowing it to happen. but i wont thiink about that. nope, im just gonna go cry and think about how much i loathe my fucking life while not doing anything to try to make it better.
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(7 confused and insecure delusions | step into the shadow)
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| Thursday, January 10th, 2002
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8:14 pm - sweetness
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| Saturday, January 5th, 2002
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2:27 pm
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1:55 am - shopping...
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got new tit rings. pretty purple whoreshoes. they glow in blacklight. cool. im gonna show stacee soon as i see him. yeah. nice. got a new tounguering too. pretty stars. new coat also. from pacific sunwear. its ok. i needed a warm coat for winter. so im sitting here chilling with christina right now. just got done doing crossword puzzles. those things can make you insane. so i stoppped after i found myself having an interesting conversation with... myself.... blurting out obscenities towards my nonpunctual bed buddy who, again, is not here with me tonight. fuck him. no. im crazy about him. hes an asswhole, i cant stand him......but he is so damn sweet at times.....but he fucking blows me off on a regular basis.... but he tries to be there for me, he really does......ahhh fuck! i dont know what the hell im sposed to think about him. i love the guy/but i hate him even more. fuck! someone make up my mind already! oh its no use. im not gonna listen anyways. oh well. fuck it. i guess.
current mood:  blah
current music: blah kjlahwlirutyweoiutyuiwlhtjkgadhgjkTIMMY!
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(step into the shadow)
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| Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
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9:29 am
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 | My anthem is "For You", by Staind.
The only time I can find comfort is when I'm in my own mind. I know exactly what I want to say, if I could ever have a chance to get it all out. I may look like any other person on the outside, but I'm screaming on the inside...
Find out what YOUR anthem is HERE! |
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(1 confused and insecure delusion | step into the shadow)
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9:17 am - no way...
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9:11 am - got this from meg...
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| Monday, December 31st, 2001
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10:39 pm - ha
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7:42 pm
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7:31 pm
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6:53 pm - pretty....
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| Sunday, December 30th, 2001
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12:03 pm - what a happy surprise...
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i was in bed dreaming about asking stacee to come over on new years eve. its no fun if you dont have someone to kiss at midnight. so i was dreaming about that, and then i wake up, and poof! there he is laying next to me. that was a nice happy surprise. he didnt stay long though. we talked for a little bit, then he told me he'd get rid of something for me so i could make some extra $$$. then he left to go bike riding. haha he told me to be prepared cuz hes coming back tonight. hmmm......should i hold my breath on that last statement? we shall see. i am so gaga over him, and im sure he knows it too, guys always know that stuff (plus i make it pretty obvious). i just wish he felt the same way. *sigh*.....oh well, take what you can get, i say.
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(1 confused and insecure delusion | step into the shadow)
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| Monday, December 24th, 2001
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11:34 pm
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christmas eve has come and gone now. now ive just got to get through christmas. i woke up today at 10 am and did pretty much nothing but clean all day. my house is still a mess. i dont care, ill finish it tomorrow. cody jenson came over and chilled with me & dave tonight. aaron stopped by for a bit, as well as matt. but that was it. pretty quiet, mellow night. we watched baseketball. i wanted to watch a christmas story, but i was outvoted. i guess ill save that movie for tomorrow, if i feel up to watching it then. so i finally got my whole place decorated for christmas, im starting to question wether or not it was even worth it considering im gonna be taking all the decorations down in a matter of days. its ok, it looks nice for now. god knows i need something to get me in the christmas spirit. but who knows, maybe it will finally hit me tomorrow when my family comes over and we can all sit down to a nice dinner prepared by yours truly. or maybe it wont hit me till tomorrow night, after the family leaves and all the friends start to pour in. nonetheless im hoping something will happen to cheer me up a bit.
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(2 confused and insecure delusions | step into the shadow)
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2:40 am - whoa
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wow. lots of crazy shit happening lately. im off work till wed night. thats my christmas vacation i guess. thursday was the last night of work for me. it was great. we took an hour and a half off for lunch, it was catered from some sort of deli, good shit. then all the guys in the shop played a little poker while the girls got all the gifts ready for our gift exchange. i got the lovely privelege of buying for my boss, he liked his gift. this lady named shirley had to buy for me, she got me girt certificates to nice restaurants, so me & stacee are gonna use those. i passed out christmas cards & candy canes to all my coworkers, and all in all it was a really relaxed and laid back night. everyone got along, no tension, we were all happy cuz we knew after that night we wouldnt have to come back for 5 days, me & stacee got along great. it was more like a big family get together rather than a night at work. at 8 am when our shift was over, we all exchanged hugs and high hopes for a good holiday for everyone. it was great, i should have brought my camera so i could capture some of the moments we had cuz it will probably be a long time before we all get along that great again.
yeah. so then i came home in a very good mood, so i went grocery shopping for my dinner. then i bought some brownie mix. i made dave & all his friends brownies for breakfast. they liked them as far as i know. and then of course the saturn dealership called and told me that i got denied on my loan application, so i cant get the ar i want for a little while longer. yeah so that pissed me off real bad and then i got bitchy. so dave & his crew left and went to the mall and i just got pissed off and went to sleep. yesterday i went shopping and got a lot of alcohol, along with a blender. i made some screwdriver slushies and they were good. ha now comes the funny part....
i told dave to take a shot of goldshlager with me, and he did. but then he goes crazy and picks up the whole bottle (about 1/3 full) and starts chugging. thats like 12 shots he took in a matter of minutes. so yeah, he was toast after that. haha i had fun smacking him in the face, he didnt even feel it. but the poor kid was puking a little from all that drinking.
so when i woke up this morning i made everyone french toast. i guess it was good, but i wouldnt know firsthand, cuz i didnt eat any. then we went to my uncles house to celebrate christmas with him, and that was some crazy shit too....
he gave me & dave each $50 and he got me a bath set and a purple bunny. i also drank a few beers with him and smoked a whole lot of pot. it was interesting. i was all fucked up when i came home, so i passed out in daves room. then matt came over and we started watching the family man. i passed out during the first half of the movie and only woke up when stacee called me. we talked for about a half hour. he told me hes gonna come over tomorrow. he also said hes gona kidnap me tomorrow night, christmas eve. its a nice thought, but i dont think its gonna happen. guess well have to wait and see.
and besides, it shouldnt happen anyways, cuz, depending on who shows up tomorrow night, i think i have a pajama/hot chocolate/a christmas story movie party to host. i guess ill have to play tomorrow by ear...
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(2 confused and insecure delusions | step into the shadow)
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| Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
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8:16 am - got this from bryan....
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killerqueen6669's journal
